Good Samaritan’s attacker is jailed.

John Gusthorpe of 42 Whatstandwell Road, Harts was finally arrested and sentenced to prison for two years. The suspicion of Gusthorpe stalking came when he was monitored ringing the Samaritan’s helpline and constantly asking for Caroline Somerthely. He became more persistent when others who took the call would not pass on the messages from Gusthrope to Ms. Somerthely. Messages became more and more desperate after three months of ‘phone call stalking’; Ms. Somerthely alerted the management who acted immediately. Observations such as ‘the red dress you wore last night was too revealing’ and “I knew you were going to send the mussels back”, occurred too often. The arrest had taken so long, said Judge Wrey because Ms. Somerthely had indeed once have a husband named John who had disappeared after a violent row. Ms. Someterhly commented that this was just a strange coincidence and that her ex-husband was happily married with his second wife and four children.

CAPTION:'Finally behind bars.' By Sheree Angela Matthews, Tynemouth, Tyne and Wear.


CAPTION: 'So-how did that make you feel?' By Shona Davies & David Monaghan, London, UK.

‘Spy bird’ is a clever little sneak.

Mrs. Ramsden, 94, insisted that her little bird would solve crime in her local estate of Ormanshaw so the police could rest and be with their families. “He’s such a clever little sh*t”, claims Mrs. Ramsden. She was so convinced of her bird’s ability that she even sent little ‘PC Dickie’ to apply for a job at the Samaritans. The police felt sorry for the elderly lady that they gave a job to ‘PC Dickie’ to spy on ‘phone stalkers’. These are callers who constantly persist on forming a relationship with online advisors. On the grounds that ‘PC Dickie’ could not locate any ‘phone stalkers’, he was dismissed. However, to everyone’s amazement the bird did catch a shoplifter running away from the crime scene in Ormanshaw by releasing his excrement in the thief’s eye and disabling him to run any further. Mrs. Ramsden is very pleased and said she never doubted his ability.

CAPTION: 'Spybird is a cutie!' By Natalee Parochka, Roscoe, IL.


CAPTION: 'Spy Bird strikes again!'. By Derek Thompson, Cornwall, UK.

Children risk lives by going to school.

Parents in a previously secluded village in the Deep South have been advised that taking their children to the local church school can cause early death. The grim case was recently investigated following a community merger with a neighboring village, ‘new’ families relocating to save money and as an act of integration with their fellow Americans. The ongoing case revealed ancient ways and teachings, diet, forms of exercise and coming of age ceremonies, practiced in this village for over two hundred years, that were unfamiliar to newcomers. Children of ‘new’ families told the press that when they were in school they were made to make certain promises of sacrifice which they had to carry out before the end of the academic year. In the previous academic year three children aged between twelve and sixteen died in suspicious circumstances. Local church goers claim that the case is bizarre and in all their time living in this village, they have not come across such paranoid and troubled outsiders; “We welcome anyone, we do, we really do.”


CAPTION : 'Local parent Jarrett Ohl, 9th generation village resident, and his son, getting ready for school last Tuesday morning.'By Kyd Campbell, Berlin, Germany
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By Julieta Piacenza Vanderhoeven, Argentina.

Prisoners go to war over ‘small birds’.

Following our news article ‘Spy bird is a clever little sneak’, prisoners in the Island of Guhanta have been asking relatives to smuggle in small birds that can help them to devise plans of escape from the prison. However, the ‘little birds’ the prisoners are referring to are not the tweeting two legged kind, but they are small old blue prints of the prison’s foundations. Before Guhanta Prison was erected, the building used to be a hospital with slightly different construction outlines. The plans are called ‘small birds’ because they show the birds eye view of the plans of the hospital. Twenty prisoners have been caught with these plans and as the Guhantan law declares of an unlawful act, that “a criminal either goes to prison or if this is deemed inappropriate they must serve in the civil war of the time”.

By Johnny Amore, Berlin, Germany.


CAPTION: 'Is war a freedom?' by Helen Rawling, London, UK.


CAPTION: 'Form of Art or Form of Escape?' By Don Emrick, Tulsa, Oklahoma, US.

You’ve got a cat? OK, you can come to Britain.

As we all must be aware now that the immigration law in this country is stricter than ever. The ‘tests’ are difficult and the criteria is stressful to undergo. That is unless you have a cat. Biologist’s recent research show that there are too many stray birds in the UK, particularly in the South of the country, that they are eating the farmer’s crops. “We cannot afford our own crops to be taken away from us like this, it’s not fair on the farmers especially as they have it hard enough in this economic climate”, says the Chairperson of the Farmer’s Association, Mr. Creed. A spokesperson for the immigration law says that “our people have to work together to maintain the identity of our country and if this means adjusting the immigration laws a little so be it.” Officials are now saying that if an immigrant has ownership of a cat, they can sit in on the tests and answer only 50% of the questions. It is hoped that with the introduction of cats, the bird problem will eventually come to a halt.


Caption:'Catless immigrant jumps after failed test' by Phill Hopkins, Leeds UK.


Caption: 'A Dreamer's Conduction',By James Fickling, Nottingham, UK.


By Gabriella Disler, Basel, Switzerland.


CAPTION: 'It raises the demand of cats and everything else that looks alike.' By Carla Piacenza, Argentina.


CAPTION: 'An Argentinian boy looking for the few cats that still stay in the country.' By Carla Piacenza, Argentina.


CAPTION: 'Bye Bye Birdie'. By Salmi Magid, Houston, TX, USA.

I woke up very positive today.

We have all heard of cults and sects in films and TV but do we know anyone who promotes them as a lifestyle change? Caroline Somerthely, 38 of Swinedon, has opened up an association helping women overcome previous tormenting relationships in which they felt trapped and unable to escape. To overcome these torturous memories, Somerthely gathers women to carry out rituals using ephemeral associated with their ex-partners. Cults and sects are defined as ‘groups of people having common interests towards a belief system’ which Somerthely agrees with. Spokeswoman for the Women’s Liberty Northern Europe says; “She gives us women a bad name. We do not need to strengthen this horrendous stereotype we already have by men who link us to emotional disorders.” In defense, Somerthely claims that women need to “Stick together and be proactive in their riddance of their former partners especially if they have suffered in silence. I wake up very positive everyday now and I have this sort of relationship with several women.” National sect and cult leaders comment that they are just seeking attention.

CAPTION: 'Uncle', by Cheryl Laube, Napa, California.


CAPTION: 'Even the way I chopped vegetables was 'stupid'.....' By Jean Harlow, UK.

THE FIRST STEPS TO A SMOOTHER SKIN.

When one has a baby, one is very sensitive to its upbringing, exposures in life and…. skin. Research has shown that the more exposure to the outside world a child has from its day of birth, the tougher the skin becomes thus being adverse to extreme climates against its skin. The research was first initiated in a village tribe in the Deep South where certain ‘coming of age’ rituals were deemed as acts of vanity. Mainly celebrities have adopted the ritual which consists of leaving the young child outside for a number of hours with a five minute break every hour for a drink. Some cycle around with them strapped into the bay’s seat on the back of the bike. Residents from the Deep South community say ““We welcome anyone, we do, we really do.”


Caption: 'You have to start early if you want to look young' by Andreas Zingerle, Austria, Europe.


CAPTION: 'Coats are for southern Jessie's'by Paul Sucksmith, Newcastle.


CAPTION:'More cuts hit the high street' by Lorna Barrowclough, Leeds, West Yorkshire.

Car driver hits 40 cyclists.

A new game following the 1980’s version of ‘chicken’ where participants, mainly school kids dared each other to run across the motorway, has been a teen craze all over California. Many deaths were stupidly caused during these dares and ever since the traffic police have been touring schools and colleges to refrain young people from seeing the thrill in this. However, the tables have turned, at least in terms of mode of vehicle. Youngsters who have learnt to drive are daring each other to hit as many cyclists as they can from point A to B. One particular driver, not yet named hit 40 cyclists in the Southern area of California. Some were of mothers and their toddlers in the back seat. Tremendously, no one has been killed in this particular case. The criminal who will face severe charges will be an example of dangerous and reckless behaviour to fellow new drivers in the California area.


Caption: 'Zigzag' by Zeev Parush, Israel.


Caption: 'From let to right, Alex, Action, Artificial' by Dave Briggs, Loughborough.

Youngsters in care ‘failed’ by system.

The Officials of the Young People’s Care System, US have clamped down on their rules being too lenient, particularly with the investigation of the erratic new road games youngsters have taken a great interest in. Youngsters in care from privileged families are heavily subsided with assets such as driving lessons which means they can learn to drive much quicker than those who are not privileged. Furthermore, the scheme is also funded by parents of the ‘rich’ kids who want their children to learn the ‘hard’ way in society. Many of these youngsters, ranging from the age of 11-18 have been kicked out of school or have been involved in petit street crimes. The youngsters say they are bored and that the organization is as bad as their parents and cannot give them constant entertainment and that is why they have to look for other pleasures. Education officer says, “They’re just spoilt and so are their parents. They must understand that the world is not perfect and one cannot just turn a blind eye to ‘irritating’ kids. They need to work at it.”


Caption: 'Rich youngsters take their parents cars for reckless joy rides along the rim of the Hollywood Hills on twisting Mulholland Drive. More than one vehicle has plummeted into the canyons and ravines.' By Douglas McCulloh, Los Angeles.

CAPTION:'I was struck by how easily youngsters in any environment, rich or poor, priveleged or otherwise, can be co-opted into supporting dubious causes if they are sold the right line.'By Anna-Marya Tompa, Hemel Hempstead, UK.


CAPTION: 'Car Crash' by Carl Gunhouse, Los Angeles, CA

Comedy pub used as squat.

Kids have apparently failed by the system have been taking their future in their own hands. A raid was enforced at the Hula Hoop Pub in Marsden last week. A group of about 20 young adults, male and female were caught drinking beer and smoking but more confusingly, laughing to, what seemed like a comedian on stage. “Well we just wanna laugh and some of here have real talent at doing that for the folks,” says one member of the comedy group. It seems that the building which was once used as a comedy pub has kept its legacy and now it has been taken over by squatters who, as well as sleep, eat and drink there, use it to facilitate any potential comedians who take it in turn to get up on stage and perform. “It’s dead funny, it really is,” says Bono, a long time member of the so-called association. Police have denied that they were unaware of the pub’s usage.


Caption:'For every minute you are laughing, someone else has sixty seconds of crying.' By Sheree Angela Matthews, Tynemouth, Tyne and Wear.


CAPTION: 'Nobody really knows what's happening...' By Thiago Hersan, Sao Paulo, Brazil (photo was taken in Bogota, Colombia)


CAPTION: 'Fun Pub' by Mark Lomax, Inverness.


CAPTION: 'Eat, drink and be merry (for tomorrow we die)' by Chiara Puntil, London.

Show me the money.

Several bankers have been fined in the neighboring coastal town next to the Island Guhanta. They have been accused of stealing the blueprints of the now Guhantan Prison which used to be the main town hospital. Relatives of the prisoners have been enticing the bankers once at the counter in the bank showing them stuffed notes down cleavages and sleeves. The bankers then hand over the ‘small birds’ which are the nick-names of the blue prints. So-called because they give a birds- eye-view of the whole construction. It seems that the underground maps were found in one of the vaults of the bank and local historians now want to investigate possible secret underground pathways which may connect as up to three or four major buildings.


CAPTION: "A project that has gone on too long and I have charged too little, so there is a sense that I have been a prisoner of this job - and I really want them to show me the money now!" by Lisa Temple-Cox, Cuckoo Farm Studios, Essex.


CAPTION: 'Big notes, for Small Birds', by Marion Innes, Scotland.


CAPTION: 'Inside the Guhantan tunnels' by Mandy Williams, London.

Lies behind those dirty weekends.

What do you ask on that dreary Monday morning back at work wishing your life away for another weekend? “Have a good weekend, what did you get up to?” Half would lie and make something exciting up, like a dirty weekend away. The other half would ponder for a moment of how miserable and predictable their lives were and mutter “nothing much, you?” It seems that a group of middle aged women of one establishment have been lying to work colleagues and their families about their whereabouts during certain times of the year. The ‘women with issues’ have been performing rituals to wash away their memories and traumas of their ex-husbands and partners. This may be a regular occurrence which the female gender may do to cleanse away certain woes and head aches but this particular group were caught when the disused ex-comedy pub burnt down to the ground after one of the rituals got out of hand. Police have denied that the pub was used as a ritual site.


Caption: 'Game Over' by Maik Kleinschmidt, London, UK.


CAPTION: 'Blue Sunday' by Eskild Beck, Denmark.

Focus on other drugs.

OAP’s with several medical hindrances have been prescribed the drug Anasamethebia which apparently calms down the effects of aches and pains in bones. However, recent cases have shown that the drug taken for more than four months affects the brain’s hallucinogenic capabilities. One particular OAP, Mrs. Ramsden has been claiming that her husband often disguises as a small pet bird and is solving crimes in her local estate. “He’s a clever little s**t”, says Mrs. Ramsden, 94. Local police say that maybe she’s been watching too many of those detective programmes.

caption: 'Focus on other drugs « Fallen from the nest »' by Sylvain Solaro - Champigny sur Marne – France.


CAPTION: 'No longer a small pet bird, Mr Ramsden is now solving abductions' by Wayne Brett, Budapest, Hungary.

Software lets son hear father’s voice.

Estranged husbands that have been deserted by their wives and arranging cults and sects against them are trying to get hold of their children in desperate ways. Husbands have been banned from seeing their own because the pioneers of these clubs are trying to prevent them being a bad influence on their children.
The few men who were interviewed, one being David Smith of Northwarrick said that “I’m fine about it now because I was always seeing beautiful women around me all the time and they just give me the horn so it’s a good thing.” One of the reasons that the women have formed their own club is because they were tired of the consistent unfaithfulness of their husbands and the dishonesty. “At least we can do what they did now and to be fair, it’s a better world not to be tied down to one person, in fact it’s a thrill to chase and be chased,” says Cheerie Donahue, one of the members.
Men are now downloading a new piece of software which allows their children to converse with them in secret without their mother’s knowing. The software is female sensitive and an alarm will be activated if a scent of a woman comes close to being near the software.


CAPTION: 'Fathers resort to downloading illegal software to talk to their offspring.' By James Kowacz, Barnsley, South Yorkshire.


CAPTION:"Thanks to Nintendo, I don't have to buy a Spider-Man costume and climb Big Ben to talk to my son" By Stuart McAdam, Glasgow.


CAPTION: 'Talk to the children in secret? That's what you think' said Claire Voyant. By Sally Lemsford, Derbyshire, UK.

Dustmen ‘at risk from wheelie bins.’

Over the past two years the figures of living cats being discarded in wheelie bins has doubled. Dustmen who loyally go about doing their day to day jobs are being physically attacked by the cats when the bin lids are opened. Because the cats have been neglected, sometimes away from daylight for several days, they are hungry and scared so as a defense they jump out violently when they are released. Local dustmen are saying that this country has lost its senses. “how can a lovely cat be discarded just like that, like it’s an animal, well I know its an animal but a nice one at that,” says dustman Eric who has been in the business for 25 years. He adds, “I blame the immigration laws.”

CAPTION: 'Writer, music maker and feeder of one, slightly bemused, cat' by Ziggy Evitts, Chichester, UK.


CAPTION: 'Waiting patiently for my revenge' by Eleanor Leonne Bennett, UK.


CAPTION: 'A blood-stained glove was found 70 meters away from where a dustman got attacked by a cat jumping out of a wheelie bin' by Teresa Leung, Hong Kong.

Stick with me and….

“….I can get you into the country of your choice; you just need a cat….” These were the absurd words of Mr. Edward Hiddigger, the Chief Executive of the Board of Immigration Law. He was saying this unofficially behind the Board’s agenda and remit, instead he was actually trying to use this slogan to entice illegal immigrants through inconspicuous methods. Victims of this scam claim that if they gave Mr. Hiddigger the sum of money he wanted, he would get them into this country providing they had a cat. Of course many immigrants from deprived countries could easily get a cat as they are stray in many areas. Mr. Hiddigger has been instantly arrested and is currently being questioned heavily by the authorities.

By Alba Escayo, Spain.


CAPTION: 'Border Control' by Jamila Walker, Shrewsbury, Shropshire.


CAPTION:'You are what you eat...hopefully.' By Kellee Arnold, Broken Arrow, OK, USA.

Sick of the City laws? Why not run a post office in Antarctica?

Relatives of the prisoners from the island of Guhanta who have been condemned for helping their loved ones from escaping have been given a choice. Join them, go to the army or run a post office in Antarctica. It seems that the third is the most popular and yet the most bizarre choice. Authorities in Antarctica have coerced with postal officials from many countries which have low literacy and numeracy levels and formed a main postal system for those countries. Postal officials say that it is a wise idea because it will give many people jobs and instead of applying heavy laws to people who have done petty crimes, they can be useful by helping a global system.


CAPTION: 'a prisoner part of the scheme said: ‘I get a company car and my postal route is breathtakingly scenic'by Raj Verdi, UK.